Bella outnumbered
by dirtycheekymonkeys
Summary: Bella is a child therapist who despises children. Her ovaries and woo-hoo have long since packed up shop in fear of the baby juice. A chance meeting with divorced father, Edward in a bar leads to hilarious complications and revelations. Rated M.
1. Chapter 1 The asshole

**Disclaimer: ****I do not own Twilight. I do own this plot though so kindly back off and write your own. Yeah I see you, you over there with the copy and paste button.**

**Story by Chellebelle583 of DCM.**

**AN: ****Hi guys, I'm still thrilled to be back and writing again, so thrilled in fact that I started a new story.**

**Don't be offended by Bella's attitude towards children in this story, it's fictional and not a representation of my own feelings at all. **

**Many buckets of love and sloppy wet kisses to my Beta Jarkin33 and Chartwilightmom. Both are authors in there own right and their stuff is fucking awesome. **

**Okay and I'm done.**

**BPOV**

"Just one more present, Bella then you can get the hell out of here" I tell myself.

It's ten days before Christmas and I'm in a packed mall full of overly excited little snot bombs.

I hate Christmas and I really hate kids.

After the seven thousandth little bastard 'accidentally' runs into me in their ridiculous need to hunt down the man in the red suit who will promise them things that will send his or her parents spiralling into debt, I am in serious need of some grown up time away from all these little shits and their overly stretched mothers.

It's their mothers I feel sorry for really. They not only had to spend nine months with an alien who took up residence in there body without even so much as a thank you on the way out, but they also have to spend the next eighteen years cleaning up after it.

No thanks. You won't catch me falling into that trap any time soon. There is a reason why I get the shot, use condoms and more often then not make a dude pull out before he shoots his evil baby making juice anywhere near my woo-hoo.

Condom or no condom, I'm taking no chances.

Of course all that applies to the period in my life when I did in fact have sex. Nowadays I prefer to steer clear of sperm wielding penises all together.

I grab the last of the presents off my list, a watch for my brother Jacob, generic I know, but it's the thought that counts.

I dump my stash of gifts in the boot of my car as soon as I get to the car lot and drive like a son of a bitch to my favourite bar in the city.

As soon as I walk in I spot my best friend behind said bar hosing off some dude who clearly got too fresh for her liking.

"I think you drowned the fly now, Rose" I laugh as I near the ridiculous scene.

"Bella! I'm so glad your here, I need your advice...Caitlin" I raise a hand before she can go any further.

"Rose we talked about you doing this. I'm so not qualified for giving out advice on child rearing and even if I was I wouldn't want to"

Rose rolls her eyes at me and laughs "That's fucking ridiculous, how can you not be qualified or is there something I need to tell the authorities?"

"Just because I happen to be a child psychologist does not automatically make me the knowledge queen on all things child related." I tell her seriously.

Yes that's right. The woman who despises children works with them five days a week. The only saving grace of my job is the money the practice brings in and the fact that they all go home at the end of their sessions.

"Bella, you are a walking fucking contradiction" Rose laughs.

I nod because it's true. No irony lost here. "Pour me my drink Rose, and no more talk of the little demons" I demand. Between work and the mall I am fresh out of any patience I may have had.

She scowls at me, clearly thinking I'm including her child in the demon category I have assigned all children into, which I am and I do. In fact Caitlin McCarty is the demon fucking queen. Her temper tantrums are things of legend.

Psychologically speaking I could have a field day.

Of course I smile sweetly and lie to my friend, telling her that Caitlin is maybe the only exception I make to my 'children suck' rule.

I never used to be this way. In fact I used to love them. They were the very reason I chose this career path and eventually set up on my own. However after years of listening to them whine and moan and blame every little thing on their parents I was put off by them considerably. The resentment these kids can hold is frightening and I would rather not breed at all if that's what you end up with.

It is what it is. The damage has been done.

"Bella, don't look, but that hottie over there has been checking you out pretty much the entire time you've been sat here" Rose tells me, breaking me away from my thoughts.

I shrug. I really don't have time for men today. Or in general. If I'm honest I prefer the company of my cat and vibrator...not together at the same time just to be clear. I find there is a significantly lower risk of impregnation with a vibrator.

"Oh come on, Bella, your lady parts could do with a little attention" Rose urges "Shit he's coming over here, don't _you_ be a bitch" she warns with a wink and disappears to the other end of the bar.

"Excuse me, I...I um don't usually, um do this but um can I um maybe buy you an um drink" not if you say 'um' one more time I think to myself. I sigh and finally look up at the incredibly beautiful man with the confidence issues.

Um, wow.

"I guess so..?"

He face palms himself "So stupid" he mutters under his breath "Of course, my name, I should have told you that first, forgive me. I'm very out of practice with this kind of thing" he's rambling and he _still_ hasn't told me his name.

"It's Edward" he finally gets out.

Edward is a nice solid name. I like it. No problems so far.

"Sit down, Edward and you can buy me a drink" I tell him.

He looks shocked, like he was expecting me to turn him down. I may have a problem with his ball sack and its contents, but I'm not fucking blind. The man is a work of art.

"Same again?" he asks.

I nod and he gestures to the bartender. Five minutes later I have my drink, a lemon martini and Edward and I have somewhat hit it off.

"So, what do you, Edward?"

He fidgets nervously in his seat. He's been doing that since he sat down and aside from the fact it's incredibly distracting it's also unexpected.

A man with looks like Edward possess should be brimming with self assurance. He on the other hand is anything but self assured and it doesn't necessarily take a PhD to see that.

Something...or someone has knocked this man's confidence significantly.

"I actually own a building firm with my two brothers." He says with a small hint of pride.

"That's very impressive. Are you a large firm?" I ask him.

"We do very well for ourselves, of course with the economy being the way it is, business is not as brilliant as it once was, but we're certainly getting by" he tells me.

"What about you...oh my god, I haven't even asked you your name yet!" Edward gasps. "Do you want me to just leave?"

I can't help but throw my head back in laughter "No, I don't want you to leave. Yes you probably should have at least inquired into my name by now; on the other hand I should have given it to you when you gave me yours."

His eyes narrow for a second "Why didn't you?"

"I wanted to see if you were deserving" I say.

"Really? Well assuming I have met this um, criteria you have set could I have the pleasure of your name?"

The word pleasure coming out of Edward's mouth does something to my woo-hoo.

I felt a fucking twinge. This shit will not do.

Twinges lead to humping, humping leads to babies, babies lead to the dark side...no hold on, that's Star Wars...actually it's pretty fucking accurate.

"Bella, my name is Bella" I finally tell him.

"That's an exceptionally pretty name" he compliments. I thank him and agree. It is a nice name after all.

"Well, Bella despite the fact it took me the entire conversation to learn your name, this has been wonderful and I would be very happy indeed if you would agree to going out to dinner with me sometime after the holidays" Edward says, as he stands to leave.

I think it over for a couple of seconds. Assuming I can control the twinges I see no immediate danger in this. "I'd like that, Edward. Why don't you call me after the New Year and we can arrange something."

Edward is smiling wide. It's a sight to behold. Rows of perfect white teeth and a glint in his unusually green eyes.

I feel another fucking twinge.

Edward leaves with my number and I say my goodbyes to Rose before going home.

When we get there I have a serious talk with my woo-hoo about self control and keeping it together around Edward.

I don't think she was listening.

The following day I'm in my office making some final notes on a patient. I had just had a particularly tiresome session. I mean how many times do I need to explain to this child that just because her parents say no to her does not make them abusive or neglectful as she claims. I had to resist the urge to tell her she is in fact a spoiled brat for sixty whole minutes.

Honestly, I mean kids are pretty self involved but this last one made Paris Hilton look as deep as the Atlantic Ocean.

A knock on my door signals that my next patient is ready to see me. My assistant, Lauren pops her head in my office, she's chewing on her gum like a pig and it's making me nauseous. I've asked her countless times to cut it out. I'd rather she took up smoking to be honest.

"Sam Cullen is here, Dr. Swan" she informs me.

And this really is the final nail in the coffin of my day. Sam Cullen is an angry and confused child if I ever did see one. It's hard to get him to talk about anything and his answers when they come, usually only consist of one word. Suffice to say, our progress hasn't been great.

"Send him in" I say reluctantly.

He comes in throws his satchel down on the floor with a loud 'thwack' and slumps into the seat across from mine.

His arms are folded and his nose is scrunched up. He seems less pleasant then normal.

"Afternoon, Sam and how are we today?" I ask.

"Fine"

"You seem a little dejected. Do you want to tell me why?" I press.

"No"

Hmmm. Well this is going well.

"Sam, I can't help you if you don't let me" I remind him for the six millionth time.

He shrugs "I told you before this wasn't my stupid idea. My stupid parents thought it was because _they_ decided to get divorced and now because_ they_ feel guilty for being failures they send me to you once a week. It blows" he says in a rush.

It's actually more then I have gotten out of him in quite sometime. Something has definitely rattled his cage today.

"Is that how you see things, Sam. Do you think your parents failed you by not staying married?"

He fiddles with a hem on his jumper and shrugs.

"You can be honest in here Sam; you know nothing gets repeated to your parent's unless you want it to be"

He takes a deep breath and sits up straighter "I wish they were still together, but they aren't and they never will be...especially now" he says the last bit in a voice that's a little frightening if I'm honest.

"What significant thing has happened since our last session that makes you think this way?" I press.

"My dad's an asshole" okay short and to the point. My ovaries are once again recoiling in horror at the thought of ever reproducing, but I go on anyway.

"So your father is the primary reason for your feelings this week?" I ask him.

"Yep, he's a _tota_l asshole" I have a sudden vision of throwing my notebook at his head, my fingers grip said notepad tighter in case my subconscious tries to become my conscious.

"Yes I think we established the fact that you think your father is an 'asshole', what I need to know is why"

"I think he's getting a new girlfriend" he tells me.

The kid is openly glaring at me. It's not my fucking fault his father has found a new hole to stick it to.

See, if it's not the parent's fault it's the therapist.

"What makes you think he's seeing somebody new?"

"I heard him talking to my uncle Ben, he says he met a girl in some bar and how he think she's really pretty" he says in a mocking voice "It makes me want to puke."

"Sam, your parents divorce is not your fault, they're marriage was not a success but that does not make them failures and it does not mean they failed you. People grow apart; it's a fact of life. As soon as you come to terms with the new reality and the fact your parents will more then likely move on and find new partners the sooner your anger will dissipate" I tell him.

He stands up and stomps his foot "I don't want them to grow apart, I want them together and I want my dad to not get it on with the first whore he finds!" he screams at me.

I sit there stoically and wait for him to calm the fuck down.

Eventually he does and slumps back into the seat.

"Feel better now?" I ask him.

"Not really. My dad is still an asshole and my mom is still a bitch" I resist the urge to roll my eyes and with a quick glance at my watch I decide that's quite enough parental bashing for one day.

"Well I think we have enough to be working with for now, Sam. Why don't I go and see if your mom is in the waiting room while you get your things together" I advise.

Before I get chance to make my escape there is another knock on my office door. I know its Lauren I can here her chewing from here.

The girl is a cow in human clothes.

"Come in, Lauren"

Her blond hair appears and she tells me Sam's father has come to pick him up, something about the mother having a Botox emergency.

This should be interesting. I'm yet to meet the 'asshole' in question. I might get a better picture of Sam if I meet his father.

I walk into the waiting room; Sam's father is faced with his back to me flipping through some magazine.

I clear my throat to alert him to my presence.

He turns around and my woo-hoo bursts into tears.

It's Edward. The same Edward with the eyes and the twinge and the confidence issues.

Its _the_ Edward.

Edward _is_ the asshole.

Edward is the asshole with a kid. Two if I'm not mistaken.

Edward is taking me out to dinner after the holidays.

My mouth opens, but no words come out.

"You're Sam's doctor?" he asks.

"_You're, _the asshole" I say in disbelief and let's face it without really thinking it through.

Edward looks at me strangely, Lauren is nearby chewing and watching the horrendous scene unfold.

Sam has stepped out and apparently is not in a patient mood.

"Come on dad, why don't we go and bar hop for more skanks?" he says sarcastically.

Edward's head snaps to his son and back to me.

"What the hell have you done to my kid?" he questions.

I glare at him. If only he knew what his son had said about _him _while he was in session.

"I think you need to talk to him, Edward."

Edward nods "I see, well um, this is awkward but I hope it doesn't affect our date" he whispers. Most likely to keep Sam from hearing.

I want to tell him that it does, professionally and most definitely personally.

But I find myself saying the exact opposite.

My woo-hoo has taken control of the mother ship and we're all doomed.

**AN: **** Please me sure to review, it makes my day!**

**Red devil and a newly squeezed Lemon posted yesterday. (Channels Mr.T) I pity the fool who misses those.**

**I'm back on Twitter Chellebelle583**

**And don't forget to check the blog for teasers. Link in profile.**


	2. Chapter 2The list

**Disclaimer: ****I do not own Twilight. I do own this plot though so kindly back off and write your own. Yeah I see you, you over there with the copy and paste button.**

**Story by Chellebelle583 of DCM.**

**AN: ****Hi guys, I'm still thrilled to be back and writing again, so thrilled in fact that I started a new story.**

**Don't be offended by Bella's attitude towards children in this story, it's fictional and not a representation of my own feelings at all. **

**Many buckets of love and sloppy wet kisses to my Beta for this chapter who jumped in because my regular beta is having a well deserved break. Vampiremama, I bow to you and your skills and Chartwilightmom. Both are authors in there own right and their stuff is fucking awesome. **

**Okay and I'm done.**

**BPOV**

After Edward and his delightful spawn leave I stand in the exact same spot for quite some time. Lauren finally stops masticating long enough to tell me she's going home.

I merely raise a hand at her as she leaves the office. I'm more than pleased to have the place to myself. I certainly do not like the idea of having to explain to anyone why I can't string a sentence together or why my legs are awkwardly crossed as I stand.

The latter is a way to muffle the pleas for Edward from my woo-hoo. This is all her fault anyway. How dare she lead me up this path of darkness?

Not only have I agreed to a date with a man who has not one, but two children. I also happen to treat one of them for some serious post divorce issues.

This leads me to my next problem. Edward's divorced and divorced men more often then not come with ex-wives.

Ex-wives are often as bitter and resentful as their children and I'm not sure the twinges are worth me being quite so hated by at least two other human beings. No doubt Edwards other child will have a problem with 'daddy's new bar skank' as Sam so eloquently referred to me.

Eventually I take the risk of unclenching and walk back into my office to grab my coat and purse. I think about calling Rose and asking her for some advice about letting down Edward gently. He's already got severe confidence problems, no doubt the responsibility of the ex-wife. As a mental health professional it doesn't sit right with me to exasperate them with further rejection.

Evidently my woo hoo has won this round and I will still be going on the date. I wonder if it would seem strange to Edward if I sent him a note asking him to leaving behind any children and ex-wives he may have thought about bringing with him. 

My thoughts are not like other peoples thoughts are they? Maybe I should seek professional help.

On my way home I decide a lemon martini is in order and drop into Bertie's, Rose's bar. The name comes from her late father Bertie Hale.

Rose's bar is quite a warm and welcoming place and quite popular with the locals, but I'm glad on this occasion that it's not that busy and I can drink in relative peace.

Or not.

Emmett is working tonight so my peaceful drink plan, like so many of my plans today has gone flying out the window.

"Hey, Bellawella! I'm so glad your here. I need your help deciding what to get Rose for Christmas," he tells me.

"Hi, Emmett. First of all what is that shirt you're wearing? Secondly its two days before the big day and your only now thinking about this?" I ask with a raised eyebrow.

"I'll have you know this shirt is designer...Matthew someone or other," he says proudly, running his giant hands over the awful pale blue ruffles. I've become some what accustomed to Emmett's terrible taste in shirts, but I drawn the line at pale blue ruffles and ruffled cuffs.

I shake my head at my very dear and fashion challenged friend and ask him if he thought about getting Rose those shoes she's been eyeing up in Bloomingdales for quite a while.

"What shoes?" he asks looking very confused.

"The ones with the silver strap and open toes. The Gucci ones, Emmett. She has told you about them at least ten times in the last month."

He looks completely blank in the face. "Oh forget it, Em,I'll take care of the shoes for you and you can give me the money later," I tell him.

He releases a huge sigh of relief. He is such a man.

"Where is Rose anyway?" I ask needing her company, more then her ruffle wearing husbands.

"She's giving Caitlin her dinner, why don't you go upstairs and see them?" he offers.

I try not to openly cringe at the idea of spending additional time in the company of children. I go out of my way at all times to let Rose and Emmett think their daughter is an exception but I'm exhausted.

I would never cut Rose and Emmett out of my life simply for procreating. In fact I was delighted for them when Caitlin came along. Rose simply glowed as a new mother and Emmett was every inch the proud papa.

I may have my own issues, but I try very, very hard not to let it keep me from the closest thing I have to a family in this city. And although Caitlin, in my professional opinion has severe boundary issues I am nothing if not perfectly polite and caring with the child. I even adopted a panda in her name for her second birthday and bought her some shares in a very profitable company for her third. And if that wasn't enough I've attended every single birthday party she has had. Yes indeed, all it requires is two, _highly_ dosed valium and a lemon martini and I am a happy Aunt Bell. I pin tails on donkey's and everything.

I tell Emmett I'm going to head upstairs to the apartment he and Rose have above the bar. It's a very nice space, nicely decorated with cream and chocolate accents, but I know that Rose isn't happy about raising her child so close to the bar.

I on the other hand would consider it perfect were I in her position. Twenty four hour access to alcohol will be a must if the worst should ever happen.

I'm making my way slowly up the stairs. No need to rush here when my cell sounds off in my purse. I pull it out and see a number I'm not familiar flashing at me. I consider letting it go to voice mail for a second, but it could be a patient with some pre pubescent emergency.

I hit the accept call button and cringe. I don't really want to do this, but my professionalism is...professional?

"Hello, Dr Swan's phone," I answer.

"Bella, its Edward." _Oh shit._

"Hi, Edward, what can I do for you?" I'm going to assume this call is in relation to his son. Anything else holds the dangerous possibility of exciting the woo-hoo.

"I umm, I wanted to ask you if perhaps we could move our date forward?" he stutters.

And the woo-hoo does a back flip. Perhaps _she_ needs a Valium.

"How forward?" I ask.

I'm still sitting down on Rose's stairs on what I suspect is something disgusting and wet.

"I know this is ridiculously short notice, but I was hoping for tonight. I think it would be better if we didn't wait, especially after today. We need to talk."

He's right, we do need to talk. I'm not sure lying to his face on our first date is a good way to go forward though.

I agree anyway and once again I fear a different part of my anatomy is doing the talking. "Tonight shouldn't be a problem, can you give me a few hours, I'm at Rose's right now."

"Sure, I'll pick you up at eight thirty. You have my number now so just text your address details and I'll see you then."

We say our goodbyes and I fire off a text to him with my address while I try to quell the butterflies in my stomach with some breathing exercises.

I decide to go straight home instead of heading upstairs to see Rose and Caitlin. I need to get changed and find some way of getting my woo-hoo to behave itself around Edward.

I tell Emmett something came up and rush home to get showered and changed.

I consider taking a Valium, but I don't want to fall into a pattern of dependency. Or I could end up like Karen from Will and Grace, even if I do find her exceptionally funny, her prescription drug use is horrifying. She would certainly understand my dislike towards children though.

An hour and a half later I am dressed, my make-up is done, my hair is styled and the woo-hoo is sufficiently warned against any misbehaviour.

I chose a nice black cocktail dress with diamante straps and a nice flowing skirt that falls to mid thigh. I paired that with my open toed Gucci shoes with the silver heel, my absolute favorite pair and let my hair fall down my back in loose curls.

It's eight pm and I still have thirty minutes until Edward is due to arrive. I decide to put a quick call into Rose as I didn't see her earlier. I fill her in on my date tonight and Edward's phone call and I also tell her about the fact his child is a patient. My least favourite one. Once she has stopped laughing she asks me how the hell, I of all people am going to deal with this. I tell her I'll let her know as soon as I do.

By the time Rose and I wrap up our conversation it's almost eight thirty. Those damn butterflies have returned in full force and I am starting to reconsider the taking a Valium thing.

I like Edward and I want to go on this date, I just can't believe he's a father and I _really_ can't believe he spawned the anti-Christ. I can only assume he is yet to spot the 666 I'm sure is located somewhere on Sam's body.

A knock at the door echoes around my apartment. I take a deep breath and walk determinedly to answer it.

Edward is standing in my door way and holy God, have mercy on my uterus, he's wearing a suit. It's charcoal and his shirt is white. He's left the first two buttons undone giving me a peek at his manly chest hair.

I suddenly become unbearably nervous. Mostly because I know all hope of controlling the woo-hoo is shot to complete shit.

"Bella, you look sensational," Edward breathes with hungry eyes raking over body.

I flush and clench. An action I am sure will be repeated throughout the evening.

"You look very nice too, Edward. Shall we head out?" I ask.

"Of course." He smiles.

I lock up and we walk to the elevator and out of my apartment building. The sexual tension was so thick in the elevator I was clenched the entire time. I'm sure my thigh muscles will be quite sore tomorrow morning if this continues.

Edward is taking me to a restaurant in Central Park south. The Park Room to be exact. I'm impressed by his choice. I know it made quite a few fine dining lists in the last year. Edward must have a bit of clout to get a table on such short notice. Especially this close to the Christmas holiday.

We have a drink at the bar once we arrive and wait to be seated. We exchange nervous glances and avoid the subject we_ both_ know needs to be addressed. I am also still clenching.

Two lemon martinis later the hostess strides over with the air of a woman on the verge of world domination. I've always said the hostesses in this city hold too much power with their ability to refuse you tables and make you wait for fuck knows how long, for what I am sure is their own entertainment.

She seats us and we are left alone for a short time before a waiter takes our drinks orders and provides us with a menu.

I don't think Edward and I have uttered a sentence between us since we arrived.

Which is ironic considering this date was moved forward in order for us to 'talk'.

Five minutes later Edward exhales and throws his menu down on the table.

"Bella, this is ridiculous. Are we going to talk about this or continue ignoring each other for the rest of the night?" His tone is a little impatient. I'm clenching again, but this time with my teeth.

"Edward, I don't really know what to say. I'm Sam's therapist. There is a definite professional conflict here and I'm not quite sure where that leaves us," I tell him honestly.

He nods his understanding and I take a long sip from my martini glass.

"I could always look for another therapist," he offers. I resist the urge to fist pump the air.

Edward's a fucking genius.

Although it would be entirely unprofessional of me to allow this just so I can date a patient's father.

"That's one option," I agree. Actually it's our only option.

"Then it's settled. I'll arrange for him to start seeing someone else after the holidays. I'll just tell his mother...something." Edward is grinning, clearly delighted with this new development.

I go back to clenching my thighs.

"I expect you'll miss your sessions. It must be hard not to form attachments." I try not to look horrified at Edward's assumption that I am somehow attached to the angry little fraggle he bred.

"I umm, we try to maintain a professional distance," I tell him, not really looking him in the eye.

"Well for what it's worth I think you were helping Sam." _Really?_

Parents often form a habit of seeing what they want to see with their children. I think Edward is one such parent.

"Well as long as your happy for him to see someone else I'm happy to make a recommendation." I'm really hoping this is the end of this conversation and we can move on to better things.

Thankfully it is.

Edward and I spend the rest of the time talking about where we grew up, college and our parents.

He is doing an excellent job of avoiding the ex-wife subject and I am doing just as well avoiding the whole I like you, but I don't like your kids topic.

Edward and I click in every other way and he is completely charming, polite _and_ he makes me clench like a bitch in heat.

If I was the breeding type he would most definitely be a candidate for father.

By the end of our date when Edward has walked me to my front door I am certain I want to see him again.

"I had a lovely time with you, Edward," I tell him.

I'm leaning against my door and he's standing in front of me with his hands in his pocket.

"Me too, I would love to take you out again, if that's alright with you of course?" he asks.

The nervous Edward is back and I want to run my hand across his forehead to soothe him.

The woo-ho has clearly taken command once again.

The silence is very loud between us as we stand here waiting for ...I don't know what. I want him to kiss me or leave before I jump him and risk the invasion of my uterus.

"Well okay, I'll call you tomorrow to arrange something for the New Year," he eventually says.

"That would be great." I smile.

Edward rubs his hand across the back of his head and looks down the hallway towards the elevator like he knows he should be leaving now.

"Edward, is there something bothering you?" I ask him.

He looks back to me, his eyes dropping to my lips.

"Actually I was wondering if umm, you would mind terribly if I was to kiss you?" _Sigh_. He's so polite.

I nod and he leans in till the tip of his nose is touching mine. I'm clenching for dear fucking life.

His lips brush mine tenderly. He places three gentle chaste kisses to my lips before pulling away.

The kisses are soft and perfect for a first date. My woo –hoo however would have preferred a good old fashioned round of tonsil tennis.

"Good night, Bella," he says pulling his hand from the back of my neck and stepping away.

His eyes look a little glazed and I suspect mine are the same.

"Good night, Edward."

He turns and walks away. I watch him, and my stomach leaps when he looks back at me not once, not twice, but three times before disappearing into the elevator.

Once I'm in my apartment I throw myself on my couch, put a pillow over my face and scream.

I am in big trouble.

I like this man a lot. Too much.

There is only one solution here. I must make a list.

I grab a pen and paper and write the following things.

Do not tell Edward you hate kids.

Do not tell Edward you hate his kid.

Do not have sex with Edward.

Before I have sex with Edward take all necessary precautions.

**AN: ****Please me sure to review, it makes my day!**

**I'm back on Twitter Chellebelle583**

**And don't forget to check the blog for teasers. Link in profile.**


	3. Chapter 3 What a twat

**Disclaimer: ****I do not own Twilight. I do own this plot though so kindly back off and write your own. Yeah I see you, you over there with the copy and paste button.**

**Story by Chellebelle583 of DCM.**

**AN: ****Hi guys, I'm still thrilled to be back and writing again, so thrilled in fact that I started a new story.**

**Don't be offended by Bella's attitude towards children in this story, it's fictional and not a representation of my own feelings at all. **

**Many buckets of love and sloppy wet kisses to my Beta Jarkin33 and Chartwilightmom. Both are authors in there own right and their stuff is fucking awesome. **

**Okay and I'm done.**

BPOV

Christmas came and went, it was the usual tedious affair that involved watching sports with Charlie, feigning interest in said sports and cooking more food than the two of us could ever reasonably eat in a life time. My least favourite part of Christmas is the endless phone calls from my Mother wanting to know when I would be making the trip to Phoenix to spend the holidays with her and Husband number six, James. My mother had become a very wealthy woman throughout her career of marrying and divorcing. I call it a career because she has dedicated her life's work to obtaining men with cash and kicking them out of the marital bed as soon as someone with a fatter bank account comes into her life.

I mean don't get me wrong, I love my mother, but my issues probably have a lot to do with her as well as my work. I was never what you would call a priority in her life. Which is why, by the time I was old enough to determine where I lived, I had opted to go home to Charlie in Forks.

I only left to attend Columbia for College and haven't left New York, other for holiday's of course, since then.

Edward and I had spoken several times since he drenched my panties in the hallway of my apartment. I had managed to stick to the list very well so far. Obviously I hadn't been in physical contact with him since our date so it had been easy to do so. I had also successfully managed to avoid anymore talk of children, specifically his and specifically Sam. We did have a brief conversation in which he told me that his ex-wife was not pleased with Sam changing his therapist. I was apparently going to be hearing from the woman herself. I mean I take my hat off to anyone that can handle her ass of a son for more then an hour at a time, but this didn't mean I really wanted to see her, or speak to her again.

I mean how am I supposed to look her in the eye knowing that my woo-hoo wanted nothing more then to ride her ex-husbands peen till it popped like warm champagne? Whilst wearing a condom of course, maybe two. Edward clearly has very potent sperm. Not only potent, but it seems to breed evil. I can't have it anywhere near my uterus. Measures will be taken.

I walk into my office building and find Lauren behind the reception desk, chewing as per usual. I wonder briefly if her parents own a chewing gum company thus giving her a lifetime supply of the stuff. Either way the lip smacking is gross and annoying in equal measures.

"Good morning, Lauren. How was your Christmas?" I ask her as I pick up the stack of messages on her desk.

"Morning, Dr. Swan. My Christmas was great thanks! Oh, and thank you very much for the carton of cigarettes you bought, but I'm afraid I don't smoke so I gave them to my cousin," she tells me.

Well damn, my grand plan to wean her off the gum with a newly formed and less annoying smoking habit backfired.

I tell her I'm sorry, and that I assumed her excessive gum chewing was some kind of cigarette substitute. She looked at me like I was the village idiot so I just roll my eyes and head into my office.

I flip through the stack of messages from patients and their parents and stop when I come to a message from Victoria Cullen. She wants me to call her. Well shit.

I pick up the phone and dial her number. I will just get it over with. There is no doubt in my mind that she is not pleased that Edward and I took the decision to refer Sam elsewhere without her consent. I can't blame her and looking back it was not a very professional move. In my defence, Edward was in my proximity and that meant my brain was not operating the vehicle.

I lose myself in thoughts of Edward and am only brought out of them by a woman huffing down the line.

"Listen, I don't have time for this. Is anybody there?" she yells.

"Oh goodness, so sorry Mrs. Cullen. Our line was crackling," I lie "I'm just returning your call from earlier this morning"

I can practically hear her rolling her eyes through the phone.

"Well it's about time you got back to me. I was calling to say that I was less then impressed that you and my husband took it upon yourself to end Sam's sessions without consulting me first," she practically spits at me.

"I understand completely. E-Mr. Cullen and I discussed it at length when he came to pick Sam up from his session before Christmas. In hindsight I should have taken steps to ensure you would be happy with our decision, but I assumed that it was something you both wanted." My teeth are sweating and so is my ass, two things that always happen when I lie.

I also think I may have just gotten Edward in even more trouble with his ex. Oops.

"My former husband had no right to change his doctor without my permission and surely you had an obligation to make sure I was okay with this. I am _furious._ Sam has dealt with enough. Changing therapists will not be good for him. I am asking you to keep things as they are and I expect you to do it." I should be feeling guilty. She seems genuinely concerned for her son. Her bitchy attitude is making it really hard to care though.

_I can so see why Edward wanted to get the hell out of dodge_

I push my less then friendly thoughts aside and ask her as politely as I can to discuss it with Edward and then they can both get back to me with a firm decision.

She practically hangs up and I add avoiding her at all costs to my Edward list of do's and don'ts.

The day is its usual torture. Session after session of kids who don't seem to know how good they have it. Don't get me wrong I have the odd case where my patient is genuinely in need of help and has been through some awful things and I am never short of patience with them and do all I can to help them get their lives back.

Lately, however, it seems that sending your kids to therapy is the 'in thing' and I am left dealing with kids who are 'traumatized' because they didn't get an Xbox for their birthday.

The only light in my day is a phone call from the woo-hoo clincher himself. I tell him that his former wife called me this morning and was less then cordial.

He assures me not to take it personally. Apparently she is short with people most of the time. I act surprised, but really I'm just thinking that he had one hell of a lucky escape.

By the time we hang up we have arranged a date for the following evening and my woo-hoo is not the only part of me that's giddy over this.

The next day is much the same, except my usual Tuesday session with Sam doesn't take place. I plan to sacrifice a virgin in thanks to the God's at a later date for this small mercy.

Rose and I met for a nice lunch and she got a kick out of me of and Edward and what she deems the inevitable ticking time bomb we are both sitting on.

The only thing likely to explode around Edward is my Vagina, so I ignore her.

That night I shower and change into a blue strapless dress and silver heels. My hair is up and I have chosen to go without jewellery. That way Edward has complete access to my neck should he want to kiss it.

I spent a great deal of time in the shower holding a razor and staring at my privates. I was debating whether or not to de-clutter the forest. If I did, that was almost like giving myself license to indulge in potential baby making activities. In the end I trimmed the edges. My reasoning being that I wasn't ruling out introducing Edward's triple wrapped peen to my impatient woo-hoo.

I may need to refer to my list again.

Edward had refused to tell me exactly where we were going tonight, just to wear something dressy.

An hour after my shower he was at my front door.

"Bella, I swear just looking at you is going to be the end of me someday. You're exquisite," he said as he placed a soft kiss on my mouth.

He was wearing black trousers and a navy blue shirt and a black jacket. He looked like sex on very muscular legs.

My woo-hoo had pom poms and was doing the Carlton dance.

I on the other hand was back to the clenching. Who the fuck needs a _Thigh Master._

Everyone should just get an Edward.

"So, are you going to tell me where you're taking me yet?" I asked him, as I shut the door to my apartment.

He laughed, but told me no. This man likes to taunt me I'm sure of it.

Edward had a car and driver waiting for us. We slipped into the back and I gasped when I saw some Cristal champagne in a bucket of ice and two glasses.

"Edward, this is ...it's amazing" I told him, shaking my head in wonder. He had clearly spared no expense this evening.

"It's nothing more then what you deserve, beautiful" he told me.

I smiled at his words and took the glass of champagne he had poured me.

By the time we had reached wherever it was that Edward was taking me, I had already somehow managed to have two glasses of Cristal. I was certainly feeling the effects. I was yet to eat and an empty stomach is not a good idea with alcohol.

Many mornings spent praying to the porcelain God's in my college years taught me that.

We stepped out of the car and I noticed we were at my favourite gallery in the city. Evidently there was a new exhibit showing tonight.

"This is great, Edward. I love this gallery. They always seem to have the most fascinating exhibits" I told him.

"Well I really hope you like this one. The artist is actually my brother-in-law.

I looked at the sign outside the door of the gallery and couldn't contain my shock.

"Jasper Whitlock is your brother-in-law?"

Edward laughed at the expression I was pulling and led us into the gallery.

Jasper Whitlock was the current 'it' boy of the New York art scene. His last exhibit was a huge success, with every painting being sold within two hours of the door opening. One of which was hanging in my apartment.

"So your sister is here I take it?" I ask him. I wasn't quite sure how I felt about meeting the family on the second date.

"Actually she couldn't make it, she is heavily pregnant with twins and on bed rest" he informed me.

Twins? Jesus. What a bunch of breeders his family were turning out to be.

"Twins, wow," I say.

"Twins actually run in our family. My mom was a twin and so was my dad" Edward tells me.

My breathing was becoming erratic. Twins. On _both_ sides. To quote a very popular animated film I was a 'donkey on the edge'.

A waiter walked past carrying a tray of champagne and I practically threw myself on top of him so I could take a glass. Well two.

I downed them both in quick succession. I placed my empty glasses back on the tray of another passing waiter. I also took one of his full glasses.

It was at this point that Edward cleared his throat to get my attention.

"Everything alright, Bella?" he asked with concern.

I laughed...a little manically to be honest and told him I was just fine. Just thirsty.

Yes I was thirsty. Thirsty and freaking out. His sperm was now a triple threat.

It works. That's threat one.

It makes evil babies. That's threat two.

And the third and most horrifying threat. It can make twins. That's two babies at once. Two evil babies.

I resolved there and then that Edward would have to have a vasectomy before there was any chance of him ever getting his penis near me.

Edward led me around the gallery, occasionally stopping to talk to someone. It was during these times I would discreetly grab another glass of wine and down it.

As if things weren't bad enough it turns out the theme of the exhibit was motherhood, pregnancy and as Jasper himself had put it when we finally ran into him 'The Gift of Life'. It's picture after picture of pregnant bellies and breastfeeding babies. The one that I can't seem to erase from my mind is the painting of a fetus emerging from a vagina. It's detailed. Too detailed. I shan't speak of it again.

"So you were inspired by your wife's pregnancy?" I asked him.

"Oh yes. This one and her two previous ones" I spit out my wine. It lands all over Jasper's crisp white shirt.

Oops.

"So how many kids do you actually have?" I literally fear the answer.

"The new twins will make it five" he tells me proudly as he wipes down his shirt with a napkin. I'm guessing Mr. and Mrs. Whitlock have not heard of the pill.

And he said new twins. That means two sets of twins. Dear god.

I take another massive gulp before excusing myself to the use the bathroom.

By the time I'm done, Edward is waiting for me outside the door and he looks pissed off.

"Hey, you ok?" I ask him.

He shrugs and takes my hand and we head for the exit.

"We're leaving?" I ask, practically running at this point to keep up with him. Being rather drunk is not making it easy.

We climb into the car and Edward is suddenly all over me. His lips and teeth on are my neck and collarbone.

I don't clench.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. I know you weren't having a good time when you started drinking and I still dragged you round that place for hours" he apologizes.

I'm too drunk and too lost in his kisses and touch to form an appropriate response.

Instead I just moan and tell him "Edward just take me home and let's...lets...oh god that feels good" I groan when his finger brushes across my clothed nipple.

"What do you want me to do, Bella?" he asks.

"I want...I...we need to...you have to get a vasectomy"

Edward stops what he's doing and looks at me "Bella, did you just ask me to take you home so you could give me a vasectomy?"

**AN: ****Please me sure to review, it makes my day!**

**Red devil will be posting soon and a new SML posted this Wednesday!**

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